“They Should Have Beat Me More” – The Cycle Of Physical Abuse
Summary:
In December, 2005, I conducted a two-day workshop with men who had recently been released from prison for domestic violence. With the men were their wives, as well as the father of a batterer who was still in prison.
The father, Douglas, sat in front of me, sharing his childhood experiences.
“My momma was a very loving woman – a big-hearted, hard working loving woman,” he told me. From my many years of counseling, I knew that my definition of love and his definition of…
Keywords:
domestic violence, physical abuse, abuse, parenting, parenting advice, authoritarian parenting
Article Body:
In December, 2005, I conducted a two-day workshop with men who had recently been released from prison for domestic violence. With the men were their wives, as well as the father of a batterer who was still in prison.
The father, Douglas, sat in front of me, sharing his childhood experiences.
“My momma was a very loving woman – a big-hearted, hard working loving woman,” he told me. From my many years of counseling, I knew that my definition of love and his definition of love were likely very different.
“Did she ever beat you?” I asked.
“Oh yeah. She beat me all the time. My daddy beat my momma and my momma beat me. But she beat me because I was bad. I was really bad. Maybe if she had beat me more, I wouldn’t have been so bad.”
“What did she beat you with?”
“Anything she could get her hands on. Extension cords, wooden spoons. Often I had to go into the yard and pick out the switch.”
“How did you feel when you knew you were going to get a beating?”
“Oh, I was terrified. I’d beg and plead and promise not to do again whatever it was she was mad at. But that never worked. I always got the beating. Then after the beating she would tell me that she loved me, that it was for my own good, and that it hurt her more than it hurt me.”
“And how were you bad?”
“Well, sometimes I’d come in late, and sometimes I would talk back. Then I got into alcohol and drugs at a very early age. Maybe if she had beat me more, I wouldn’t have done the alcohol and drugs.”
“Why do you think you did the alcohol and drugs?”
“I was just hurtin’ too much. It took me outta all the pain for awhile.”
“What was the pain?”
“I don’t know. I was just hurtin’ a lot.”
“Do you think it is possible that you were hurting because the woman who was supposed to protect you was instead hurting you? That she was confusing you by telling you she loved you while she was beating and terrifying you? That there was no one to turn to for safety and nurturing? That you were scared much of the time for fear of the beatings? That you were terribly lonely and could not turn to your parents because they were the ones causing the pain?”
Silence………Then he looked at me in shock. As the light bulb when on in his mind, the tears started rolling down his weathered cheeks. Soon he was sobbing.
“That’s right…That’s right….The beatings were the problem. More beatings would not have helped. And I beat my children thinking it was the right thing to do, and now my son is in prison for beating his wife and protective services want to take away their daughter. And I almost hit her the other day when she didn’t mind me. I’m so glad I didn’t. This has to stop! This has to stop!”
I looked around the room. Everyone was in tears. Kathy, the wife of one of the batterers, spoke up, sobbing.
“I’ve always hit my kids, and no matter what anyone told me about it not being good, it never made sense to me. This is the first time I understand why it’s not a good or loving way to discipline my kids. And I can see why I’m having so many problems with my older son and why he is on drugs. He has always been furious with me and I had no idea why. Now I understand. I need to learn a new way to discipline. I’m going to take a parenting class and start reading parenting books.”
I hugged Douglas for the profound work he did, and for the effect his work was having on everyone in the room. I thanked God for giving me the privilege of working with these people. All of them, it turned out, had been severely beaten as children.
I am deeply grateful to James Beard who conducts workshops within the prison with batterers and to Lindsay Wagner, who also works with these men and their families. Both of them were assisting me at this workshop. We all smiled at each other in deep gratitude for the healing that was taking place.
“You Make Me Sick” and other things Parents Say in Anger
Maryann is so focused she’s blind. She’s slipped over the edge of responsibility and forgot the real reason she is working so hard. It’s for her daughter.
Being a single parent isn’t easy. Between working, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and homework, there isn’t much time left in the day. It’s a heavy burden to be the sole supporter of a young child. But when pressures and tensions are so great that harmful words spill out like bitter pills, isn’t it time to stop and take inventory?
“Clean your room or I’m gonna kill you!” “If you don’t do your homework right now, I’ll break your neck!” “Just leave me alone, I’ve had a rough day.”
These statements came from a woman who loves her daughter and she’s working hard to provide for her. If you asked Maryann, she’d say she would do anything in the world for her child. But why can’t she see that respectful communication conveys love more than a new pair of shoes ever will? And why does she have to be reminded to treat her child with respect?
Maryann isn’t alone. Life is frustrating. We’ve all heard parents, married, single or otherwise, speak to their children in anger. As adults, we’ve all rolled our eyes at the dramatic threats, knowing full well they have no intention of being carried out. But does a child know these are simply dumb words spoken in frustration? Does a child know that the violent threats of bodily harm are hollow?
Whether over the top displays of drama are blurted in anger, or merely used to snap a child to attention, the results are unhealthy and damaging.
When little Billy tells a classmate he is going to kill him over a broken crayon, where do you think he learned that response from? And in today’s climate, do you think anyone would consider it just an innocent statement from an innocent child? Billy would be sent to the principal’s office on the spot. And if not, he would certainty be called down after the victim of his harsh words went home and told his parents and they reported it to the school.
What happens when your child gets a little older and has a real problem? What if he needs to talk about drugs or alcohol? Or she has a problem in school, or a question about boys? Repeatedly belittling your child with angry words and intimidation will break down the barriers of communication long before you even reach this point. If you threaten to “kill” your child over a messy room, what would you do if she told you she was having sex?
Anger has a way of creating very colorful and exaggerated statements. Parents and caregivers need to make a concerted effort to remove these damaging phrases from their vocabulary by controlling anger. Save the drama for a time when it is really needed. On occasion, shocking statements do have a place in parenting, but used on a daily basis, they will only sever to create fear or simply numb your child to your words.
Search your vocabulary; are you unintentionally damaging the relationship you have with your child? Here are some steps to help you take control when you feel frustration and anger rise.
Take a deep breath, not from your chest, but pulling from your diaphragm. Slowly exhale. As you do this, picture your words evaporate into the air.
Lift your hand, palm out, in a stopping motion. This will indicate to your child that you need a moment and serve to remind you that you are stopping yourself from anger.
Calmly tell yourself to relax as you continue to breathe deeply.
Wait until you feel in control. When you speak, intentionally bring your voice down, not to a whisper, but to a soft, paced level.
Then logically explain the reason for your anger to your child, voiding threats and harsh criticism.
It’s okay to say you are disappointed or upset about a messy room or a bad grade, but focus on the problem and offer a solution or deliver a fair ultimatum.
If punishment is necessary, make it realistic. I don’t know of a single parent that took away television privileges from their child for the rest of their life.
Follow through on your words.
If you do get angry, offer your child an apology, not an excuse. Take blame for your actions.
Closely examine the situation that triggered your anger. Was it really your child? Is there an underlying factor? If so, what can you do to correct the situation or avoid it in the future?
Anger is a natural emotion. It can’t be completely controlled or removed from our lives, but you can change the way you handle things. In doing so, you gain an invaluable gift, a respectful relationship with your child. Healthy communication is a parent’s weapon against the outside world. A child should turn to his parent in times of trouble, not run away in fear.
A-B-C’s Of Parenting
Common sense in parenting is a rather relative idea. Some parents simply do not have it and they need to be told just how to parent. That is why there are so many bestselling parenting books out there. There is nothing wrong with needing a little help in the area of your kids, parenting is difficult during the best of times and if those books can help you then go ahead and get them!
There are some basic rules when it comes to good parenting however. Here are the basics of parenting that every parent should know:
Be kind
It is never okay to demean your children. You do not ever want to put them down or hurt their feelings on purpose. No matter how mad they make you feel you should always work to control your temper. Not only will this keep you from doing and saying something that you will regret, it will also teach your children to control themselves as well.
Be a good role model
Being a good role model is important. This means teaching your children how to be good people all of the time. You want to teach them to be kind and to control their temper as well as to share. The most important thing that you will teach your children is the difference between right and wrong. Without this very important knowledge your children will not know how to succeed out there in the real world.
Communication
Controlling your temper is important and teaching your children to be responsible is great but communication is the key to being a good parent. There is no parent better than one who is dedicated to communicating with their kids well. Communications does not have to be hard, it just has to be done all of the time.
Communicating does not even have to be too in depth. Some people are just not comfortable with talking about their inner feelings all day every day and that is okay. Just talk to your kids about the important things. For example you need to make sure that your children know how much you love them all of the time. This is a huge part of good parenting.
Good parenting means talking to your about important things in their lives. Like if they get bullied at school you should talk to them bout that experience. Let your kids know that they can tell you anything that happens to them without fear of being rejected. If your kids can know they can talk to you about anything at all they will do it.
Keep in mind how important it is for you to know where your kids are at all times. Parenting has many facets and if you want to be good at it you need to learn about them all. Your kids need to be aware of the dangers of wandering around aimlessly. Let them know that they cannot go anywhere without filling you in on where they are going to be and who they are going to be there with.