More inspiration for control freak parents :
You cannot catch a child’s spirit by running after it. You must stand still, and for love it will soon itself return. -Arthur Miller
Keywords:
parenting advice, discipline, power struggles, controlling kids, behavior problems, difficult children, strong willed children, parenting coach
This became evident to me several summers ago, when I spent 6 weeks suffering with a severe case of hives all over my body. When the itching first began, the only way to find relief was to lie absolutely motionless.
My kids, who are delightfully self-entertaining, went about their business for the first few hours, checking in on me occasionally to see if I needed anything. As the day wore on, they realized that I was a sitting duck. They set up camp on my king size bed, and we proceeded to have some very deep and thought-provoking conversations.
I doubt these interactions would have occurred if I had been my usual productive and bustling self. I probably would have interrupted the quiet time that was necessary for their questions to emerge in order to jump up and fold the laundry before it wrinkled.
I hardly ever sit still when I’m healthy. There’s always so much to do. Hives taught me lots of important things … not the least of which is that the world will not collapse if I don’t hold it up. Sure, I fell behind on things. For the first time in my life I left phone calls unreturned, and dishes in the sink, and laundry wet and wrinkled for days.
But the sun continued to rise and set anyway. I didn’t lose any friends due to my poor response time. And my kids learned how to take care of dirty dishes and clothes.
My son is a budding chef, and he had lots more freedom in the kitchen when I wasn’t there telling him what to do or how to do it better. He was so proud to serve us the delicious meals he had prepared.
I’m sure you know where I’m going with this. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our kids is drop out and let them experience their own competence. My kids blossomed during my down time. I think it was really great for them to feel needed and important; to make a contribution to the family that really mattered.
Yeah, it’s sad that it took a nasty case of hives for me to realize that I was not giving them enough opportunities to experience their own competence, but so be it. Now I know. True confessions of a compulsive caretaker.
Testing my lessons learned, I asked my son if he would fix a towel hook that had fallen off the wall. He seized the mission with zest, gathering all his tools together and tackling the problem with great concentration.
I stayed busy elsewhere in the house and left him alone. I’ll never forget the look on his face when he came to tell me the job was done. Not only had he fixed the hook, but he had even cleaned up the mess and put all the tools away!
I’ve realized that the best way to love my kids has changed as they’ve grown older. It’s not so much about taking care of them anymore. Now they need opportunities to discover their ability to take care of themselves.
I’ve graduated from being their source to being their resource. My job has changed from doing things for them to expressing my confidence that they can learn to do things for themselves.
Just in the nick of time, too. I’ve been craving uninterrupted opportunities to write and think and meditate. I’m relieved to know that I can take this time for myself without feeling that I am depriving them somehow.
I guess I needed the reassurance that it was ok, even good for them, that I wanted space to myself. Mama Bird at some point needs to get tough on her babies while getting them ready to fly. Maybe Mother Nature gives her a helping hand by offering her the tool of irritation to toughen her up so she does what must be done.
Traditionally it’s been hard for me to trust that even my irritation could be ok. Once more, I have been reminded that all is truly as it should be. And for that, I am grateful.
This became evident to me several summers ago, when I spent 6 weeks suffering with a severe case of hives all over my body. When the itching first began, the only way to find relief was to lie absolutely motionless.
My kids, who are delightfully self-entertaining, went about their business for the first few hours, checking in on me occasionally to see if I needed anything. As the day wore on, they realized that I was a sitting duck. They set up camp on my king size bed, and we proceeded to have some very deep and thought-provoking conversations.
I doubt these interactions would have occurred if I had been my usual productive and bustling self. I probably would have interrupted the quiet time that was necessary for their questions to emerge in order to jump up and fold the laundry before it wrinkled.
I hardly ever sit still when I’m healthy. There’s always so much to do. Hives taught me lots of important things … not the least of which is that the world will not collapse if I don’t hold it up. Sure, I fell behind on things. For the first time in my life I left phone calls unreturned, and dishes in the sink, and laundry wet and wrinkled for days.
But the sun continued to rise and set anyway. I didn’t lose any friends due to my poor response time. And my kids learned how to take care of dirty dishes and clothes.
My son is a budding chef, and he had lots more freedom in the kitchen when I wasn’t there telling him what to do or how to do it better. He was so proud to serve us the delicious meals he had prepared.
I’m sure you know where I’m going with this. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our kids is drop out and let them experience their own competence. My kids blossomed during my down time. I think it was really great for them to feel needed and important; to make a contribution to the family that really mattered.
Yeah, it’s sad that it took a nasty case of hives for me to realize that I was not giving them enough opportunities to experience their own competence, but so be it. Now I know. True confessions of a compulsive caretaker.
Testing my lessons learned, I asked my son if he would fix a towel hook that had fallen off the wall. He seized the mission with zest, gathering all his tools together and tackling the problem with great concentration.
I stayed busy elsewhere in the house and left him alone. I’ll never forget the look on his face when he came to tell me the job was done. Not only had he fixed the hook, but he had even cleaned up the mess and put all the tools away!
I’ve realized that the best way to love my kids has changed as they’ve grown older. It’s not so much about taking care of them anymore. Now they need opportunities to discover their ability to take care of themselves.
I’ve graduated from being their source to being their resource. My job has changed from doing things for them to expressing my confidence that they can learn to do things for themselves.
Just in the nick of time, too. I’ve been craving uninterrupted opportunities to write and think and meditate. I’m relieved to know that I can take this time for myself without feeling that I am depriving them somehow.
I guess I needed the reassurance that it was ok, even good for them, that I wanted space to myself. Mama Bird at some point needs to get tough on her babies while getting them ready to fly. Maybe Mother Nature gives her a helping hand by offering her the tool of irritation to toughen her up so she does what must be done.
Traditionally it’s been hard for me to trust that even my irritation could be ok. Once more, I have been reminded that all is truly as it should be. And for that, I am grateful.
$300 Writing Prize Focuses Kids On Gender Equity
Harry Potter would be eligible for entry into a contest sponsored by up-and-coming young adult novelist R.J. Nimmo – on one condition.
“He would need some magic spell or potion to change himself from a ‘Harry’ to a ‘Harriet,'” joked Nimmo, who is an expert on entertainment for children and young adults.
“Describing how the famous boy wizard would behave as a witch would be enjoyable for author and reader alike,” Nimmo said. “And it is just the kind of fun, witty and creative submission our judges are looking for.”
Nimmo, author of the emerging “Mustard Twins” fantasy series, says that trends in literature aimed at young people risk trapping kids in what he calls a “kind of reading time-warp.”
“Certainly, where representations of gender in fiction heroes and characters are concerned, kids’ books lag way behind today’s society,” he said. “A lot of popular fiction reflects outdated stereotypes of masculine and feminine roles. And books aimed at children and young adults share much of the blame. I am not only talking about mainstream books either, but Newbery and Caldecott medal winners as well.”
To challenge the status quo, Nimmo is encouraging contestants to describe how a favorite fiction book or story hero would act or react in a dramatic situation. But there’s a twist: Entrants are first required to swap the hero’s gender role or characteristics.
With the contest, Nimmo hopes to positively attune parents and kids alike to the subtle messages being transmitted through popular entertainment.
“Readers – especially younger ones – are constantly being exposed to values that are completely out of step with modern times,” he said.
Studies show that, from Harry Potter to Artemis Fowl, boys outnumber girls about four to one in books and TV shows, including those written by women. Furthermore, Nimmo points out, even books with female or gender-neutral names in their titles frequently revolve around a male character.
Why should parents be concerned?
“Society’s values are largely transmitted to children through fiction,” Nimmo said. “It is therefore important that parents be aware that self-esteem and personal development are influenced by the sort of book and story heroes we emulate as kids.”
Nonetheless, Nimmo said, there are things parents can do to sensitize kids to the issue.
“Make sure to include books in your reading selection where individuals are portrayed with distinctive personalities irrespective of gender, where achievements are not evaluated on the basis of gender and where individuals are logical or emotional depending on the situation,” he said.
To encourage young people to challenge the conventions in stories and books written for them, Nimmo is offering a $300 cash prize, plus signed copies of his latest novel, “The Ancient Egyptian Ennead,” which tells the story of two spunky teenage female heroes and their exploits in ancient Egypt in the time of the pharaohs.
“Clean Your Plate” Is Not Always The Way To Go For Healthy Kids :
Like most parents, you want your children to be healthy. However, not everything your parents did is necessarily what experts consider to be most healthful now.
Article Body:
According to obesity researchers, the United States obesity rate has more than doubled for preschoolers and adolescents-and more than tripled for ages 6 to 11-over the past 30 years. Obese children are at greater risk for health problems such as diabetes and heart disease, and often carry these problems into adulthood.
So, how do parents help children, and the entire family, eat healthier, both at home and away-from-home?
“Talk to your pediatrician, family doctor or registered dietitian to determine the healthiest weight goals for the entire family,” said nutrition expert Jenifer Bland-Campbell, “then make a plan to tackle the issue.”
She offers these tips to help parents help their families eat more healthfully:
• Eat at least one meal together daily, at regular intervals to discourage snacking.
• Prepare healthy dishes for the whole family, not just special foods for an overweight child.
• Don’t use food as a reward, comfort or punishment.
• Watch portions. “Clean your plate” is not always the way to go.
• Eat slowly. It takes almost 20 minutes for the brain to register that the body is full.
• Encourage water or skim or 1% milk instead of high-calorie, sugary drinks.
• Getting kids to eat at least five servings of vegetables and fruits each day will not be easy, but focus on the colors to make it more fun. Visit www.5aday.org for more tips.
• Use low-fat or fat-free dressings, mayonnaise and dairy items at home as if they are the full-fat versions. Kids will take your cues. Ask for the same items on the side when eating away-from-home.
• Take the stairs. When you go shopping, park the car farther away from the store and walk.
• Limit television, video games or computer time.
• Replace mayonnaise and cheese on burgers or sandwiches with catsup, mustard or barbecue sauce.
• Stick with items that are baked, broiled, steamed or poached-not fried.
• Ask for nutritional information when eating out.
• Look beyond the children’s menu, often limited to fried, high-calorie, high-fat foods. Split one healthier adult entrée between two children.
• Ask for a takeout container and put some of the food in before you eat.
• Ask that bread, beverages and tortilla chips be served with the meal, not beforehand.
“Parents can help children reach wellness goals by first making healthy changes at home, then teaching kids what to do away from home,” said Bland-Campbell. “Healthy eating does not happen overnight, but children take cues from their parents and will learn behaviors over time.”
Bland-Campbell is a registered dietitian with ARAMARK, a company that manages food service programs at businesses, colleges, hospitals, and approximately 4,000 schools across the country.
You can find research on the away-from-home nutritional preferences of Americans at ARAMARK’S Web site, www.diningstyle.com. There, parents can find their own dining style and receive tips from dietitians on more ways to eat better.